Zephyrs & Zeniths
By Jeannine Ackerson
By Jeannine Ackerson
Disclaimer: The X-Files and the characters portrayed therein belong to C. Carter, FOX Broadcasting, & 1013 Prod. and don't belong to me.
Relationship: Mulder/Scully romance.
Summary: Scully does some soul searching, while she waits for an answer as to how her life is going to go.
Hi All! This is my Alphabet File story for "Z". I was going to post it last, but I got an idea, and well . . . <g> This is a Scully first person. Usually I don't do well writing for her (in first person), but this time was different. I apologize for the high level of sappiness in here. But now to the story. . .
I sit here on the shoreline and watch the horizon. It will be sunrise soon. It's always a beautiful sight, seeing the colors on the water.
I've loved the sea since my father first sat me down at the shoreline and explained to me what it was like. He told me it was like a relationship. Sometimes it is smooth and the sunlight pours down and makes it glitter like diamonds. At other times it is rough and the sky cries more liquid into it's rolling depths. And even sometimes it rails against you, fighting you as if you're it's most feared enemy. But mostly my father believed it was like a living, giving person, full of mystery and adventure.
Today as I sit here, looking out on the Atlantic, I can finally understand what my father saw in the sea. Except I'm not really looking at the ocean. I'm seeing it in my life. It is me and Mulder.
You see, my partner Fox Mulder and his X-Files are like this for me. There has never been a dull moment since I started with them. And we've been through just about everything that my father described the sea as being. We've gone along smoothly, fought and been through rough times and been there for each other, discovering many new things, including things in each other.
Yet there was one thing I never understood about my father's passion for the sea. As much as he loved my mother, the sea kept luring him back to it. Like an addiction. As if he wasn't complete when he wasn't out in it.
It wasn't until today that I finally figured out what it was that kept him going back. It was a dedication of love for it.
You might ask how I finally grasped that piece of knowledge. And the answer would surprise you as much as it surprised me.
You see, just like my father, I have that compelling force in my life. Something that drives me, challenges me. I had always thought it was my career, and then later the work the X-Files gave me the chance to do. But today I accepted the fact that it was none of these things. It was just the man.
I'm dedicated to him. My love is for him, whether or not I am with the FBI or with the X-Files. I'd come back to him forever, no matter what it cost me. My heart and soul have kept me by his side even when my brain saw no rational reason to. That desire to return to him even pulled me from death's door.
So today I finally accepted this truth. And I also shared it with someone.
I shared it with him.
I'd stopped by his apartment, knowing he'd be there. With a couple of knocks he opened the door and looked at me with some surprise. It was probably because I'd woken him. Not like he gets a lot of sleep anyway, but it was early and more than likely he'd just gotten to sleep.
The truth is that it wasn't even dawn when I knocked at his door. I remember him asking me to come in, and I'd shook my head no. I wasn't there to stay. I had just wanted to tell him and go. I didn't want him to give me an answer yet, to question my motives and reasoning. All I wanted to do was say the words. Then I'd leave so he could decide what he wanted to do, and I could go and contemplate how I'd gotten to this point with him.
So I had swallowed hard and just told him straight, in what he would say was typical Scully fashion. I told him that I'd figured out why I'd stayed all these years, and that it was because I loved him.
It was only when I saw the shocked but somewhat complacent look on his face that I broke a little from my plan. I decided then and there that I had to taste those lips of his. If nothing ever came from my love for him, if we decided to pretend that it had never happened, I had to have that one experience. So I had reached up and pulled his face to mine and kissed him lightly on the lips. It was over in a second, and then I had turned and left.
I'm pretty sure that it's been him calling me on my cel phone for the last hour. But I'm not courageous enough to pick it up. If it's Skinner or my mom, I'll explain it to them later. I almost wonder now why I even brought it with me. But then it's just like carrying my ID and my gun. A force of habit.
My attention finds its way back to the sunrise, just now beginning to break above the water. The nearly white color of the sky is giving way to the light blue and bright yellow at the sun comes up. It will be breathtaking, as always.
This is my favorite place. I first came here with Ahab when we moved to Maryland. But since then I've come less and less frequently. The last time was when I had thought Mulder was dead, killed in New Mexico. I had come here, sat down in the sand and watched the sun rise. Just like today. But then, he'd come back that time. And things had gone back to normal.
This time I'm not so sure.
It's a gamble. One that almost everyone who thinks that they know me would swear I wouldn't take. But then, they've never known me, really. Even Mulder thinks that everything I believe in I have to be able to prove scientifically. And love isn't something you can explain or quantify or rationalize. It just simply is.
I shiver a little and pull my trenchcoat a little tighter around me. Luckily it's late spring, so I won't freeze wearing this coat. Beneath I was smart enough to wear some warm clothes. A pair of blue jeans and a bulky gray sweater and tennis shoes. Perfect beach wear. If it was mid morning instead of a little after six.
The sun's higher in the sky now. I can see the slightest curve of yellow and orange blazing at the water line. The sky above me has lightened. If Mulder were here, he'd probably say it was as blue as my eyes.
With that I think about his. The shifting colors that are sometimes green, sometimes brown and other times gray. Eyes that have compelled me, melted me, angered me and often seen me. You're thinking, of course they've seen you, they're eyes. But I mean really seen me. Cut through the outer layers of my flesh and looked right at my soul. He's done it many times. More times than I can count. The first time he did it shocked me. Because he did it so easily. Since then, there's been no sense in trying to lie or hide from him. He always knows.
I start to pay attention to the sounds around me. The squawking seagulls that have awoken have focused my ears on them and the sounds of the water washing up onto the sand. Then I hear the wind whipping around me, picking up strands of my hair.
I remember my father telling me about the types of wind on the sea. The one I remember the most is the zephyr. It's a gentle, mild breeze, that sometimes writers call the west winds. I always thought that it was a romantic notion for something that was just a force of nature. But to sailors, the lore of the ocean is like their religion. A belief in something intangible but still there.
Then there are the stars and moon and sun. They used to navigate by them. As the sun approached its zenith in the sky, a sailor could tell the time of day. When it was the stars, he could pinpoint his location using the celestial bodies. They used those earthly and heavenly events to run their lives, govern their actions. And thinking on all this now, I realize that my life is like that right now. I have no real control over how things turn out. I can only sit and wait for the elements or the stars to align and give me the answers. Show me which way I'll have to go.
Because everything now really depends all on Mulder.
I've done what I never thought I'd do. I've given away my control. He knows how I feel, but I don't have a clue as to what he thinks about it, how he feels about me and my declaration.
The sun's just about cresting in the horizon. All the colors are blindingly bright and beautiful. Of all the times I've seen the sunrise from here, I don't think it's ever been this stunning.
Then I feel a pair of arms come around me, and a body settle behind me. I look down at the arms and see the worn black leather jacket. It's a jacket I know intimately. Just like the man wearing it. I feel his arms tighten around me when he realizes that I'm not going anywhere. I guess he thought after my hit and run stunt at his place earlier that I might not be ready to see him. The truth was I didn't expect him to be ready to see me.
I realize belatedly that he must have called my mom and asked her where I might be. I don't know how she knew. That's not true, she is my mom after all. She knew where I'd go after telling him what I did. She probably knew how I felt about Mulder long before I did.
He pulls me back against his chest, and I see his long legs bent on either side of my hips. With a sudden, irrational desire I put a hand on the kneecap of his faded jeans, and I can feel the warmth radiating from him through the material. His arms tighten again in response to my touch, and I can't help but wonder if it is because he likes it, or because he feels sorry for me.
My gaze returns to the sky, and I feel a tingle run through my body as I realize something. Besides my father, he's the only other person whom I've shared this sight with. Somehow it only seems appropriate. The two men I'll love forever.
But I'm only sure that one of them loved me in return. The other remains a mystery.
Then I feel his head next to mine, his eyes watching the daily miracle light up the sky with me. I can feel his breath on my cheek and his silky hair at my temple. For just a moment I allow myself to close my eyes and envision the sight he must be. It may be that this is my last chance to be with him like this. So I'm going to try and make it last. In my mind and in my heart.
His chest tightens behind me as he gulps in a deep breath. And I know what's coming. My world lives or dies with his next words. I fight to control the shiver that runs through me, but fail. His arms get tighter, and I wonder how that's possible when I'm sure we're as close as we can be without his crushing me.
With the slightest puff of air, I can tell his lips are at my ear. I wait with nerves of a schoolgirl for what he has to say. I don't have to wait long.
"I love you too."
It's only then that I let myself fall back into his embrace, and tighten my arms over his. It is only then that I let the tears come. Tears of joy begin to fall from my eyes at the thought of this man, my partner, my love, Fox Mulder loving me.
And I realize that I have been witness, no, participant to an even greater miracle than the beginning of a new day. I've experienced the beginning of a new, eternal love.
Mulder's and mine.
Well, I hope you all liked it. And yes, I've posted a lot recently. I've been unemployed, so I've had lots of time to catch up on my writing. <g> I guess it's a good thing . . . I definitely have nothing I could be sued for now. <bg> J.
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