Don't You Know?
By Jeannine Ackerson
Rating: PG for language.
Spoiler: Well, figure that this can go anywhere since the end of the second season.
Disclaimer: The X-Files and its' characters are property of C.C., FOX & 1013 Prod., etc.
Relationship: MSR and a little angst. 'nuff said. <g>
Acknowledgments: To Deb, Gil and Christina for reading the thing first.
Summary: Internal dialogue of a character at the hospital bed of the other.
Hi all. Again, a simplistic idea (better known as fluff) that came to me, that no doubt has been done before, and probably better. But as I keep saying, I have to just let these stories out so I have room in my head for the other ones. <bg> Now, to the story . . .
I'm standing here, looking at you, and you don't even know I'm here.
That's not a surprise, considering how close you came to dying today.
The bullet should have been mine. If I'd had any say in the matter, it *would* have been. I saw the gun pointed at me. I knew that there was a split second when I made a conscious choice to take the guy on, one-on-one; to either go down or put him down. But, as usual, you went and had to be self-sacrificing. Had to put yourself between me and harm's way.
Just like you always seem to do. Put me first. Even at the potential cost of your own life.
And you almost gave it today.
I don't think you have a clue as to how much losing you would effect me. I guess I should have warned you that it probably would have destroyed me.
You didn't know that, did you?
I know you don't. Not really. I've never let you know, because I've made sure that no one can see what I'm feeling. The walls I've put up make it hard for anyone to see past them and at the real me inside. To see the fear and anger and love and compassion there. It's safer that way.
But I realize now that it isn't safer. It's just more well guarded. The feelings are there, but no one sees them. I feel the emotions, but just don't show them outwardly.
Except this time, right?
I think the EMT's that showed up after I called in the shooting would testify that there was no doubt how much I care about you. I literally almost took their heads off when they showed up. I screamed about them taking so long; not to jostle you; that I wasn't leaving your side and it would take wild horses to drag me away. I can make a educated guess that I'm not going to be getting a Christmas card from any of them this year.
But that's not what really affected me. It was the fact that there's so much that I think you don't realize. That I've never said to you. I sat there today with you in my arms, hands sticky with your blood and realized that I hadn't ever told you what you mean to me.
Sure, I can believe that you know already. I've consoled myself with the fantasy that you *know* everything, but have kindly let it lie until I can get the courage to say the words to you.
Except I don't know for certain if that's the truth, or just something I've made up to satisfy my own conscience. Either way, I know now that I have to say something. And I will. When you wake up.
Until then, I have to formulate the script in my head. Figure out how to say what I feel. Let you know . . .
Suddenly, as I find myself sliding into the chair at your bedside, I can hear the questions in my head; the answers that are in my heart that I need to say to you. Ones that I now realize that I have to tell you.
Don't you know that I trust you?
Oh yes, I do. I trust you more than I can say. You wouldn't believe me some times by the things I say or the roads I choose to walk, but I do.
I trust you to be there for me, even when you're not even in the same room as I am. When we're miles or states apart. I trust you with myself. On more levels and degrees than any other person in my life.
I don't think you realize how much that scares me.
Don't you know that I need you?
That's a given. I figured that you knew that, after all we've been through, but now, as I look back, I don't know if I made it clear to you.
So I guess I should make sure that you know that I need you like a desert needs the rain. Like a fish needs water. That's what you are to me. Did you know that you're inside me so deep, in my bloodstream that to remove you from me, I would have to drain every drop of blood from my body?
I know now that you have to know that. Know how important you are to me.
Don't you know that I want you?
I can imagine the doubt that statement will cause to show in your eyes. Sure, there have been times that I let my want, my desire show through, but I don't think you understood exactly what you saw there.
I know that you don't know that I fantasize about you. About us. How your mouth would feel, how your skin would taste. I think you might be shocked that I have had these feelings, these desires for a long while now.
And the thought of never fulfilling any of those dreams I've had of you cuts me to the marrow.
Don't you know that I believe in you?
Always have, actually.
No matter what words passed between us, I have never doubted you. Sure, we don't always see eye to eye on cases, or even viewpoints, but that's what makes this all the more special.
I've always believed in us. The two of us working together. Being together.
I hope that you never doubted that.
Don't you know that I love you?
Yes, I do. God, do I love you.
I can see in my mind the utter surprise in your eyes and face when I finally tell you that. It will be the most wonderful feeling to finally speak the words.
I have to admit that I never thought that first day we met that I would be wishing that I could take all the pain and hurt and loss away from you. That I would willingly walk through fire to keep you from harm.
Do anything for you, for your love.
Who would have guessed that I was being partnered with the other part of my soul.
Don't you know that I don't think I'd want to live without you?
It's true. I've figured that out a while ago. I know you would say that I'm being irrational, but how do you go on without half of yourself?
Half of your heart?
I'm sure it can be done, but why would I want to?
I glance at your face and notice that your eyelids just fluttered. You're waking up, and it fills my heart with more emotion than I think I've ever felt. A lump settles in my throat and tears of happiness threaten to spill.
There's a second when I take your hand in mine and you start a little, unsure of your location. Not a surprise, considering the last conscious thought you had was listening to my voice telling you that you had to hold on.
Then those beautiful, expressive eyes open and look up at me and I know that I would be lost without them. I watch you swallow hard, gaining just enough voice to say one word. My name. In that voice that I've grown to love.
I smile. That bright smile I gave you but you really didn't see in Alaska. Somehow, fate has given me another chance. What I ever did to deserve it, I don't know, but I have it.
And I will use it to the best of my ability.
"Shh. It's ok Mulder. I'm here and you're going to be fine. I love you," I say to you, brushing the unruly strands of brown silk back from your forehead. There is a weak smile that plays at your lips, and I know that you understand exactly what I mean. "Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
You nod slightly and your eyes start to slip shut. Then, with an obvious effort you open them again, letting the brilliance of them set on my soul. And I know in that look, that instant that you feels the same, even if you haven't said it in words.
You're alive and you love me.
What more could I ask for?
I don't know.
So, did you all think it was Scully that got shot? <bg> I had to make you all take a second or two to think about it. :) J.
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